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frazzled
soopageek
ately I've grown increasingly bored with my own journal. More to the point, I've grown bored with my own writing.

This point was driven home for me upon reading some older entries of mine from the past couple of years as a result of the survey which graced both this page and Welf's. I tried to confront this feeling with daily ritual in the arbitrary writing and photography of the past couple of months. They only served to make things feel even more contrived; a meaningless regimen of hollow words and shiny things for the sole purpose of filling a blank Semagic window. That's not to say that I haven't written things over this course of time that I haven't enjoyed or felt proud about. Personally, I rank the recent Pug Roast among my more inspired offerings. But amidst the detritus and minutiae of the past couple of months they seem so lonely and isolated.

Late last week, I began working on one of the maps like I posted at the end of December, with all the routes I ran and how many miles I covered. It occurred to me that, I wasn't doing it for me in any way whatsoever. Sure, it was neat the first time I did it, but I have those maps in my head... constantly. I was doing it for you. I was plugging in all these cities into a program, tweaking things so it would look nice, taking a screen shot and resizing the resulting image only because a few people thought it was neat and left me a comment.

Now, I mean no disrespect and I'm certainly not trying to discourage commenting when you see something that you like. That's why we're all here. I'd also be delusional if I said that it's not my intent to provide things which illicit a response. The problem for me is that, in that particular case, it's the ONLY reason I was doing it and it made me feel... pathetic? It made me feel like a hurdy gurdy man's chimp, tipping his hat for a coin.

I think part of it also is that, with concern to writing about the various aspects of my work-life, it all feels so DONE. Not counting my current acolyte, in which there is a somewhat unique and personal back-story, most of my tales of training are just a new face on an old format, mostly for the benefit of the occasional newcomer to the land of Soopageek. Sure there are high-spots that are genuinely worthy of mention, such as Genya re-connecting with his long-lost sister or documenting the hilarity of Jason.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I might be writing less. I might also be saying that what I write might be totally new and different from what I or you are accustomed to. I might experiment. Maybe a lot of it will suck. I'll certainly stick to things that I enjoy writing about, and not just because I need to keep everyone up to speed. And please don't leave comments of, "I never expected anything blah blah blah". That's not what this is about. I know that. It's all me, not you.

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Well, you aren't alone. Everyone gets burned out now and then. Take some time off if you need to, rediscover your reasons for writing, and come back when you're ready. Or, if you have the energy, I'd look forward to seeing your experiments with the medium. Or you can do both.

I think there's a balance to be found between writing for an audience and writing for yourself, and I commend you for trying to find it.

I go through this like, once per year. I have a LiveJournal identity crisis and not only do I feel this urge to re-invent my journal, but I almost compulsively feel the need to write an entry just like this one.

Man, you agonize over this LJ! Heehee. It's you not us, but still man. Relax!

I KNOW! I've done this like, how many times now? *sigh* I don't know, it's hard to explain. It's like, if I write just whenever I want to throw something up on LJ, then I find myself flipping back through them and thinking most of them are shit. If I make myself be patient and only write something of substance that I can be proud of, I feel like I'm never writing anything in my journal. I think it's the latter of those mentalities that I need to break: that it's ok if my f-list is abreast of where I am and what I'm doing all the time. Not everything has to go on LiveJournal.

I can sympathize - my LJ has changed a lot over the years, and still goes through a lot of "write-a-lot/write-a-little" phases. My guess is that you are and are a bit alike, in that we both feel the need for a certain consistency in our daily lives, and we view having a journal as a means to that end. But, yeah, there comes a time when you've gotta do what makes you happy, and if that means trying something completely different, then that's a good way to go.


There might be a nugget of truth in that since my life is anything but consistent by virtue of my profession. However, I've always prided my self in my adaptablity and bore easily with general routine, which is why I've never felt cut-out for highly structured environs. Maybe I need a bit more consistency, routine, and structure than I like to admit. :)

i find my own writing remarkably boring and a rather shitty glimpse into who i am.

that comment means absolutely nothing other than to say...just what it did.

come to kc. i miss you.

I want to come to KC, I miss you, too!

I think you and I suffer from a similar disease when it comes to writing. We agonize too much on being clear and succinct when sometimes the best writing is not so straight-forward, but roundabout.... if that makes sense?

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
SOOP finally catches the dreaded LJ ENNUI

i know what you need, man. you need to get rid of this style of yours. then everything will get better.

and by that i do not mean your WRITING style.

but i figure you knew that already.

dude, srsly.

SRSLY

we love you no matter what. but of course you do it for you


you could just stalk someone else's windows for fun and profit

Judging from the number of people that weren't scared-off by the daily logs, I think I could post gaping anus porn in my journal and not see a mass exodus.

Stalking for fun AND profit? Who knew?


This is how I feel about you no matter what you write.

Oh how I love Exploding Dog!!

Oh, I totally know how you feel about this. I feel the same. I feel like I should stop writing but, then again, I feel like I'm going to miss a chunk of life if I leave it out of Live Journal. I think it is about all trying to find a new vision in the world; by taking what you do and changing it for the new times. Doesn't always work, but it is the worth the try.
And, I must say, I'll be your friend regardless of your writing style, it is more then a blog, it is a friendship for me

I don't know. I think my gut feeling is that I want to BREAK that mentality that I need to record chunks of my life in LiveJournal that in later hindsight I'm not going to care about anyway. I'd rather focus on the things that matter and are important, are just plain funny and entertaining, and not worry about capturing my life.

(Deleted comment)
i agree with your underlying sentiment, or i would if i were not presently blind.

(Deleted comment)
X was here this week and I had to explain to him in my words what you just said. He had taken offense to being referred to & only in passing as "friend". It took many words to explain that my journal is all about ME and it, in the end, is just for ME.

I try to think of LJ as my friend full of friends. I, at least, am here as your friend. While I enjoy traveling with you- and you know that it has a special meaning for me- I want to tell you that I enjoy more just reading Soopageek.

The road repeats itself. If you look back, my comments generally appear when you do something else.

Enjoy your birthday and don't be a stranger, my friend.

I was posting this comment to a certain entry which mysteriously disappeared a minute ago. Here it is:

Well, before this entry disappears into the void, allow me to say that I think that what a guy does in a public space (LiveJournal) is fair game for posting about in a public space (LiveJournal). I think you did it well and fairly.

And that's that.

Thank you, I believe that as well.

But, I told him I would make the entry private if he wished, since he had the decency to offer and apology and enter into a discussion about it. Personally, I like leaving things out in the open where conversations can continue and resolutions/solutions can viewed through the comment threads and people left to make-up their own minds.

And frankly, I think it was fair, too.

NOT THIS LJ ENNUI SHIT AGAIN

I AM H4XXORING INTO YR JOURNAL

ESPOUSIN' MY PARANOYAZ

Re: NOT THIS LJ ENNUI SHIT AGAIN

I'll probably not be nearly as entertaining as Rob's bouts with ennui. For a while there, I had begun to view his epic struggles with the dreaded ENNUI with a degree of anticipation; like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.

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