A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
• Homage Roasting On An Open Fire... •

THE PUG OF WAR PACED THE ROOM, a fresh Jamba Juice® smoothie in his hand. His brow was furrowed with concern. The Soop of Geek sat in front of a computer monitor nearby, typing frantically.

"It doesn't make any sense," Ef said and sipped from his smoothie. "Why would you and I be together in the same entry?"

Without looking away from the screen, El said, "Like you don't regularly have guest appearances in your journal from people you've never met?"

Ef considered this. Ef considered his smoothie. "Touché. But this is your journal. Why are you calling yourself 'El'? And what's with this Soop of Geek business? That's just stupid."

"It's an experiment," El said. "And a tribute."

The sound of sucking air came from Ef's straw as he drained the last of his smoothie. "I just don't think people are going to get it. Let's forget the fact that we only have a handful of mutual friends who would appreciate the parody. It's too surreal on top of that. Watching a LiveJournal entry being written by the people in the LiveJournal entry? And I would never say Touché. That's not how I roll, playa."

[I think some of you will get it. - ed.]

Ef looked wildly around. "Who are you talking to?"

"Nobody," El said and kept typing.

---

LATER, EF ENJOYED A HOT POCKET® on the couch while Parker Posey scratched his ears. Eva Longoria sat on the other side of him, fanning him with a palm leaf.

"Ok, now you're just being ridiculous," Ef said. "And I'd never have Eva Longoria in one of my entries." Eva Longoria rolled her eyes.

"Fine!" El said and petulantly tapped the backspace key one letter at a time. He paused and pondered a moment, then typed some more. Kate Beckinsale wiped some Hot Pocket® sauce from Ef's chin.

"Hey, that's pretty sweet," Ef said. "Can I try it?"

"Sure," El said getting up from the desk. Ef trotted to the computer and El sat down on the couch. "But Michelle Rodriguez instead of Parker Posey?"

"SHYEAH, LIKE THAT WOULD HAPPEN," The Pug of War muttered.

---

13:47 EST - Soopageek's Fevered Imagination
I'm sitting on the couch while Michelle Rodriguez scratches my ears. pugofwar is here, too, playing around on the computer. Pug sure is awesome. He's a swell guy. When I grow up, I wanna be just.like.him. "Very funny," I said to Pug. "C'mon, surely you're capable of something more than high school humor?" Pug looked at me and said, "Oh, like yours wasn't?" Pug typed some more on the computer and I sucked down a tasty Gold Peak tea, thought about how much I missed welfy, then pleasured myself while rolling around in a bunch of shoetree pictures. I said, "And you thought I was being ridiculous?" Pug sighed, "Ok."

---

ichelle Rodriguez was giving me a hickey when a horde of pirates burst into the room. They tore her away from the love bruise forming on my neck and proceeded to plunder.

"Arrr, y'scurvy dawg. Stay where ye arrrrre," the biggest, burliest of them said to me. The sword in my face was blood-stained, but sharp.

Just then, pugofwar crashed through the window; a knife was between his teeth and a 9mm was in his hand, held sideways like a true gangsta. "Lmmf th huhthey," he started. He spat the knife on to the floor and tried again. "Let the honey go before somebody gets smoked, yo." He cocked the slide on the gun for dramatic effect and snarled through his gleaming platinum grill.

"Tarnation!" I exclaimed. "You better do what he says before he opens a ding-danged can o' whoopass on you!"

---

"I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE SOUTHERN CHARM TO THE NATIVE," The Soop of Geek said with a chuckle. "Really. Tarnation? Ding danged?"

The Pug of War looked confused. "How did... what.. I wasn't done!" he stammered.

"You weren't really doing anything to begin with. This isn't your journal," El said.

"I can't believe I fell for that," Ef said.

The Devil walked past the open door. He curled his yellowed nails around the edge of the door jamb as he leaned his head into the room. He spoke in a raspy voice, as dark and cold as his charcoal soul.

"I FELL ONCE."

---

create your own states-I've-had-sex-in map (with a little hacking)

darlin can't you see my signals turn from green to red

Location: Birmingham, Alabama

The soopageek 50 States Meme^TM

Bold the states you've visited, italicize the states you've lived-in, underline the state in which you currently live

All, Altered, Ambivalence, Anger, Apathy, Bank, Bliss, Chaos, Cynicism, Dinner, Energy, Extended Adolescence, Fair, Fear, Finals, Happiness, Head of, Heightened Awareness, Hospital, Idealism, Incredulous, Inter, Intra, Joy, Limbo, -ment of Intent, Lethargy, Mediocrity, Melancholy, "My name's Doug and I'm outta here!", Oblivious, Optimism, Peace, Pessimism, Petulant, Pragmatism, Preoccupied, Police, Prison, Rest, Rights, The Obvious, Tournament, Trance-like, Transcendental, Trooper, Union Address, Univeristy, Ward, Welfare

---

fujerica thinks I need a girlfriend.  I believe she is right, but like, I need about six of them, in different states.  I can see each of them twice per year.  Christmas would suck and remembering birthdays would be a nightmare, but I think this is a superb idea.  I thought perhaps I should draft a personal ad for some future internet-dating website.  If you or someone you know fits this description, please forward their interest to my journal.


Seeking intelligent, attractive ladies of reasonable mental and emotional stability for position(s) of Girlfriend. Successful applicants must fancy the idea of a long-distance, intense-yet-casual, sporadic, non-exclusive relationship with an attention-mongering, hedonist, transient with an obnoxious need to be clever.  Cryptic emails and innocuous dinner conversations about pop-culture and teh intarweb at the on-set may later blossom into inept attempts at flirtatious IM chats and awkward romantic gestures.  Ideal position for busy, career-minded professionals seeking romance without the hassle of drama-laden, time-consuming, possessive S.O. entanglement.  Position is also well-suited for otherwise involved polyamorous individuals seeking secondary/tertiary geometry.

Preferred candidates will be between the ages of 25 and 45 but willing to consider outside target demographic with the right qualifications.  However tempting, statutory age (or age of consent where applicable) is required.  Physical gratification commensurate with experience. Lack of moral certitude a definite plus, but willing to train.

---

Incidentally, did you know that the age of consent of Pennsylvania is fourteen?

---

Speaking of exploitation, justamy and I got briefly on this topic last night when I mentioned the new Kirstie Alley reality show Fat Actress and it made me remember something I've wanted to address for sometime but have never gotten around to it.  Let me preface this by saying that: 1) I don't really watch TV and 2) I never watch reality programming.  Finally, I have no problem with exploitation, so long as it is between consenting parties.  That said...

A couple of years ago, someone pitched the idea and production work was begun on a reality TV series based on The Beverly Hillbillies.  The gist of the idea is that a family of hicks from some backwards part of the country would be set up with a mansion in Beverly Hills and an outrageous spending allowance.  The family members would attend area schools and and be injected into the upper-eschelon of Los Angeles social-circles.  Hi-jinks and hilarity would most certainly ensue.  When word of this reached the masses, the public outcry caused the show to be shelved.  For some reason, the idea of allowing this family to consent to their own exploitation for their personal (and the televison network's) gain was incongruous with the sensibilties of the entertainment market.

Why is it somehow more acceptable that a train-wreck like Anna Nicole-Smith or Gary Busey can exploit their own vacuous station in life for their personal gain?  Hell, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie did the precise opposite of the social fish-out of-waterBeverly Hillbillies scenario in The Simple Life, exploiting the polar opposite sheltered existence to be mocked.  Why do we feel that the "privileged" of our society are capable of deciding at what level they will choose to be exploited but others are not?  Imagine the outcry if a reality show was based on the premise of Trading Places, where some ex-con gang-banger was removed from South Central LA and given a position with a Wall Street stocks firm.  The reverse of that premise would be totally acceptable, however: putting some white, suburban corporate monkey-boy in the 'hood to run a by-the-hour flophouse or adult bookstore.  It is this sort of protection of the non-privilieged while simultaneously applying a double-standard for the privileged that perpetuates a system of inequality.  As the non-privileged have their choices removed from their reach because middle America deems they are not capable of deciding it for themselves, we re-inforce their status as second-class citizens. 

So pipe down the next time you think someone is being "exploited".  So long as it is not forceable, who the hell are you to judge?

OMFG! I caught jenxteen giving a handjob to dragoneletra at the party last night. 

When I told ajguertz about it, she looked up from the pile of coke she was cutting on one of ericexit's CD cases, glaring at me like *I* was the bad guy!!!1!!

Then ruxxell comes in on all fours with the duct tape and peacock feathers (you know how he does!!!) and janietrain is riding him like a bronco dressed in a leather gimp suit and cowboy hat she borrowed from spleazeball.  That dum bitch didn't even have the decency to wash it after frolicking in an all night golden shower party with huskerdude1 and stormodacentury and it was RANK. OMG... it was rank!

Work has been boring.  This afternoon queenkatieett called me and said she knocked over a liquor store to cover some gambling debts which was why she couldn't make it to the party.  Cuz she was in jail and stuff.  I was like STFU!!!!!! And she was like, For real.  And I'm like no way! And she's like totally way!!!

!!!

Apparently she promised lossfound he could turn. her. out. for a few months of high-end tricks if he'd use his mob connections to make the whole thing "go away".  He called hockeyfag and yourtourniquet who called in a couple of markers with some cops downtown and sprung the little hussy this morning.  I know you all remember what happened to atthestarz when she agreed to work the Shriner's convention for that slime ball.  I think doctors are STILL scraping her uterus!!!11!!

I'm meeting lacyunderall and lowercasedee tonight after work for dinner.  We may have to go some place dark and noisy.  Between the former's lazy eye and the latter's hairlip I doubt I'll make it through the appetizers before bolting for the door.  Maybe we can go to Rosie's on the east-end.  We might get free drinks if mandy_moon is working tonight!111!!!!  For those of you living under a rock, DUH! She had to get the job after her mom kicked her out when pricciar knocked her up last year after the junior prom!

This entry automatically generated by my own fucking imagination.

Ten things I've done that you haven't:

1. Adopted two black kids to live with me and my white daughter in a Manhattan penthouse apartment.

2. Worked as a house mother for bratty, private schoolgirls and helped them to navigate the murky waters of adolescence with exquisite baking and pithy admonishment.

3. Worked as a receptionist for a private investigation company owned and operated by a bankrupt magazine model.  When answering the phone, I would speak only in rhyme.

4. In between performing triage surgeries in the jungles of Korea, I got sloshed on martinis made from the gin of a home-made still .  I made people call me by a nickname that is an acronym synonymous with oral sex.

5. I was the only kid in my middle school with a tattoo of a mermaid on his arm.  Dance senorita!

6. Studied eastern religions and self-educated myself on the intricacies of philosophy, anthropolgy, sociology and pyschology while DJ'ing for a local rock station in Alaska.  I built a catapult and flung a neighbor's piano with it.

7. Proved that I could make it after all, as a television news reporter in Minneapolis.

8. Owned a daggit.

9. Lived on a boat with a pet alligator and owned a European sports car, all on the salary I received working as a police officer.

10. Performed magic tricks and practical jokes for hookers and drunkards from the judge's bench of a New York City court room.