It ain't pretty being easy... (soopageek) wrote,
It ain't pretty being easy...

X Things

Ten things I've done that you haven't:

1. Adopted two black kids to live with me and my white daughter in a Manhattan penthouse apartment.

2. Worked as a house mother for bratty, private schoolgirls and helped them to navigate the murky waters of adolescence with exquisite baking and pithy admonishment.

3. Worked as a receptionist for a private investigation company owned and operated by a bankrupt magazine model.  When answering the phone, I would speak only in rhyme.

4. In between performing triage surgeries in the jungles of Korea, I got sloshed on martinis made from the gin of a home-made still .  I made people call me by a nickname that is an acronym synonymous with oral sex.

5. I was the only kid in my middle school with a tattoo of a mermaid on his arm.  Dance senorita!

6. Studied eastern religions and self-educated myself on the intricacies of philosophy, anthropolgy, sociology and pyschology while DJ'ing for a local rock station in Alaska.  I built a catapult and flung a neighbor's piano with it.

7. Proved that I could make it after all, as a television news reporter in Minneapolis.

8. Owned a daggit.

9. Lived on a boat with a pet alligator and owned a European sports car, all on the salary I received working as a police officer.

10. Performed magic tricks and practical jokes for hookers and drunkards from the judge's bench of a New York City court room.
Tags: humor, spoof
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