January 10th, 2004

i'm ready for my close up mr demille

the genius of Woody

Location: Youngstown, OH

On my trip to New Jersey the other night I was listening to Woody Allen The Nightclub Years: 1964-1968. His style of comedy appeals to me, His stand up is very cerebral as you would imagine. I particularly like jokes that finish writing themselves in the listener's head. He also does some of the best ex-wife jokes ever. Here are a few short gems from the album:

"I ran into my ex-wife, who I did not recognize with her wrists closed."

"In summing up. I wish I had some sort of affirmative message to leave you with. I don't. Would you take two negative messages?"

"I must pause for one fast second and say a fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked this girl to go to bed with me and she said, 'No.' "

"She was coming home late at night and she was violated. That's how they put it in the New York paper: she was "violated". And they asked me to comment on it and I said knowing my ex-wife, it probably was not a moving violation."

"I was thrown out of NYU my freshmen year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic"

"My wife was an immature woman. Well, see if this is immature to you. I would be at home taking a bath and she would walk in, whenever she liked, and sink my boats."