March 31st, 2008


a guy's guide to cooking

eople come up to me all the time and say, "Soopa, how did you land such a fine, fine woman as welfy. I mean, c'mon. You're kinda pudgy around the middle, balding, bad teeth, and damaged goods with a history and three kids to boot? What's your secret?"

My internet brothers and sisters, there is no secret. It was pure luck. I was at the right place at the right time. The more important question to ask is: how did I keep her? I'm certainly not a wealthy man. While I might be decent to roll around in the sack with, that's not a pre-requisite for sticking a ring on girl's finger these days. No friends and neighbors, it's rather simple really. I can cook.

It's true that I have over a decade and a half working in restaurants that gave me some added experience in the culinary arts beyond what momma taught me. But I learned a lot on my own, too; through trial and error and experimentation. You might be a nice guy, or have money, or be hung like donkey, but if you're a single guy and you want to seal the deal with the guy or gal you're wooing, you need to learn to cook. It's also a GREAT date suggestion, to offer to cook a meal for someone at your place.

The great thing is, it's not hard! Recipes look all complicated and intimidating but it doesn't have to be. Sure, there are lots of easy and decent tasting box and frozen dinners on the market, but if you think you're going to impress anybody with that weak shit, get used to spending your weekends with your cats, your favorite porn site and a tube of AstroGlide.

So I thought I'd break it down for you. I'll simplify and de-mystify good cooking in a series of entries that'll give you the basic tools, ingredients, and knowledge to cook great meals without getting bogged down in measuring cups and fancy hardware. Naturally, this information might be of use to some of you ladies who need a primer in cooking as well, but I'm going to aim this largely at the fellas. We'll call this simply:

A Guy's Guide To Cooking

Part 1 of this series will deal with basic tools of the trade. Part 2 will be about the basic ingredients you will need to work your magic in the kitchen. In Part 3, I'll cover basic cooking techniques with a kitchen range. In Part 4 and beyond, I'll give some simple and tasty jumping-off points for creating a basic meal which you can imitate or improvise. Everyone in your hometown will be locking up their sons and daughters because, before you know it, you'll be cooking your way into somebody's pants.