This point was driven home for me upon reading some older entries of mine from the past couple of years as a result of the survey which graced both this page and Welf's. I tried to confront this feeling with daily ritual in the arbitrary writing and photography of the past couple of months. They only served to make things feel even more contrived; a meaningless regimen of hollow words and shiny things for the sole purpose of filling a blank Semagic window. That's not to say that I haven't written things over this course of time that I haven't enjoyed or felt proud about. Personally, I rank the recent Pug Roast among my more inspired offerings. But amidst the detritus and minutiae of the past couple of months they seem so lonely and isolated.
Late last week, I began working on one of the maps like I posted at the end of December, with all the routes I ran and how many miles I covered. It occurred to me that, I wasn't doing it for me in any way whatsoever. Sure, it was neat the first time I did it, but I have those maps in my head... constantly. I was doing it for you. I was plugging in all these cities into a program, tweaking things so it would look nice, taking a screen shot and resizing the resulting image only because a few people thought it was neat and left me a comment.
Now, I mean no disrespect and I'm certainly not trying to discourage commenting when you see something that you like. That's why we're all here. I'd also be delusional if I said that it's not my intent to provide things which illicit a response. The problem for me is that, in that particular case, it's the ONLY reason I was doing it and it made me feel... pathetic? It made me feel like a hurdy gurdy man's chimp, tipping his hat for a coin.
I think part of it also is that, with concern to writing about the various aspects of my work-life, it all feels so DONE. Not counting my current acolyte, in which there is a somewhat unique and personal back-story, most of my tales of training are just a new face on an old format, mostly for the benefit of the occasional newcomer to the land of Soopageek. Sure there are high-spots that are genuinely worthy of mention, such as Genya re-connecting with his long-lost sister or documenting the hilarity of Jason.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I might be writing less. I might also be saying that what I write might be totally new and different from what I or you are accustomed to. I might experiment. Maybe a lot of it will suck. I'll certainly stick to things that I enjoy writing about, and not just because I need to keep everyone up to speed. And please don't leave comments of, "I never expected anything blah blah blah". That's not what this is about. I know that. It's all me, not you.