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Ted, just admit it
ave you heard about the new horror movie that's coming out? It features an ensemble cast of fresh-faced attractive talent and over the course of 90+ minutes their blood will be spilled all over the set in the most disgusting and graphic ways imaginable and features absolutely no nudity. Mr. Director, if your mid-budget slasher movie is going to receive an "R" rating from the MPAA anyway because of the ample gory violence strewn through your cinematic vision, you will ultimately fail your audience if you do not also provide gratuitous nudity. In a proper horror movie, everyone is marked for death in the first 20 minutes: the pothead/drinker/smoker, the dickhead, the bitch, and of course, the amorous couple. From Friday the 13th to Snakes on a Plane this is a simple truth: someone has sex, I see boobs, and then they die. When the script doesn't have horny barely legals romping about, then there should be a romance angle for the lead role with plenty of tits and ass in a passionate love scene, or everyone goes to a strip club. There is no shortage of marginally talented starlets chomping at the bit for a minor role in your movie, with no qualms about removing their clothes in front of the camera. Why was Hostel so great? LOTS of tits and ass. Why did Hostel 2 suck? You only gave me fucking Heather Matarazzo suspended from her ankles au naturale while teasing me with the real hotties in bikinis and bathrobes. I can only presume this is some indication of your integrity as a film maker, to not exploit your fellow human beings, while decapitating and disemboweling them for my viewing pleasure.

The title of that new horror film is apparently Irony.

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I'd totally fuck Heather Matarazzo somethin' fierce. I admit it.

I honestly don't get the attraction.

Enh, I dig weird-lookin' chicks sometimes.

Hmm. Why not just watch porn?

I'm actually kind of surprised that some film maker/production company hasn't just said "fuck it" and made a horror movie so gruesome, and deliberately inserted a pornographic sex scene, just to get an X rating and release it theatrically. I would think the stir it would cause would sell tickets.

When I make my horror movie, I'm changing up the convention and having all the T&A possible displayed by the people who will live on...preferably to make a sequel with even more T&A.

I think I will call it The Virgin Homicides.

Jenny: I'm not sure if we're ready for this...are you sure you really care about me, Timmy?
Timmy: No. I'm really not. But it doesn't matter. This is a matter of life or death. If you don't drop your panties, that maniac is going to kill you.

There's already a film like that. It's called Cherry Falls.

That's just been added to my movie queue.

Brittany Murphy? Jay Mohr? Michael Biehn? What's not to love?

Talk about a male fantasy.

If you wanna live Jenny, you better get them jeans off, girl.

I think I'd rather see Heather Matarazzo naked than the usual barely legal horror movie skanks anyway...but that's still no good reason to see Hostel 2.

Horror movies skanks should have boobs the size of my head.

Isn't that the name of a Russ Meyer flick?

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