It ain't pretty being easy... (soopageek) wrote,
It ain't pretty being easy...

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prelude to a manifesto

Post break up feelings make me re-examine myself and my life, my wants and needs. My ex is moving on and dating other people. I find it kind of amusing that she seems to be bothered by the fact that it bothers me so little. In actuality, I think it bothers me to some extent, too. But the re-examination has been a tedious process, taking the feelings as they come to me... divning their source and not succumbing to an irrational response based solely on the emotion. For instance, I'm dealing with heaping amounts of jealousy... but I know the jealousy stems not from being jealous of the guys she's starting to see... I'm jealous of HER that she's moving on and dabbling in new romance and I'm not. Then I couple it with what I know aboutmyself, my personality, my lifestyle and the jealousy fades... Im not a social butterfly who flitters through lots of social circles meeting people (like her)... I'm not exactly young, certainly not some Adonis-come-lately and my financial situation ranks somewhere around 3200 skee-ball tickets.... not that I'm bitter about my situation, just being honest... and I realize that these are somewhat shallow things to consider, but the reality of romance is that you need have an enticing portfolio just to get an audition sometimes... i know the things i have to offer a would-be romantic interest... but circumstance, nature, and the plodding rhythm of time presents itself as a worthy adversary and i've found myself to be unwilling or incapable to clear those obstacles.... quite frankly, i'm not even interested in doing so...

in my thinking and re-evaluation, two things in recent weeks have left their indelible print upon me... one, thanks to a livejournal friend of a livejournal friend... led me on a fact finding foray into the land of polyamorous lifestyles and relationships... while my overall inclination is that i probably could not consciously state "i am polyamrous", the general politics and spirit of the way they view relationships i can identify with... (yeah i know i ended that with a preposition)... one website i visited even had a "contract" that defined the base underpinnings of the realtionship in terms of the level of respect and the quality of love to be shared and nurtured... and it has me forming my own manifesto in my mind and heart... one that is the product of two relatively long, failed relationships.... my intention is to being formulating it into actual words with this livejournal post... (maybe in a seperate one, this is is already becoming somehwat cumbersome)

the other is the manner in which i met someone this past week.... she was incredibly attractive, refreshingly nice, honest, and so way out of my league... but it was this aging, broke, un-Adonis me she talked to for 3 hours... and when i had first walked in the room... i noticed her immediately because she stuck out like a sore thumb... and her sticking out like a sore thumb made me take notice of my surroundings a little more... the other people in thr room, etc... and it occured to me that i was in a social atmosphere where i had the upper hand.... it was a bus station full of migrant workers, rednecks and G-thugs.... i discerned that of everyone else in that room... -i- was the only person that even had a shot...

but i was so drastically wrong on that assumption.... at least... the way i was viewing it... i turned out being right about it, but for all the wrong reasons.... she was from Poland and, while she spoke english very well... it was somewhat broken... and very dictionary-like... and with strict attention to proper syntax... with my English background and keen grasp of word usage ;-)... i was able tocommunicate with her quite effectively... this shattered my assumptions on why i originally thought i was most apt to mesh with her than anyone else in the room....
...but something occured to me... if my assumptions can be so incorrect about why in one situation i have the upper hand in attracting and holding someone's attention... then does the inverse also apply? how many times am i wrong in my assumption that i can't/don't..? i still may not be a social butterfly, but here's to an intentioanl attempt to smash some of that shyness and highlight some of those un-shallow qualities that i think are attractive in myself....

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